HangoverOne Star Hangover (*)No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. You can live this lifestyle every night. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 5 Cokes and still feel this way. For some
reason, you are craving a burger & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the steak and eggs from the 3:00 AM Denny's excursion.
You took the perfect crap this morning, but you have a feeling it is
just the calm before the storm.
Three Star Hangover (***)Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You've already taken 3
craps and it's only 9:30 AM. You are definitely not productive. But
that's ok, you've mastered the art of looking busy. Anytime a girl
walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored
schnapps shots your friends bought you last night and the waitress
who served them. Life would be better right now if you were home
in your bed watching Law & Order reruns. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke - yet you haven't peed once. Hmmm. . . you must be a bit
dehydrated.
Four Star Hangover (****)Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of
your face. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth trying to hide the scent of the cat that came by and crapped
in your mouth overnight. You don't have the foggiest idea who the
hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. You
spend your lunch "hours" in the front seat of your car sleeping in a
fast food parking lot. You can't wait to get home to take that power
nap. . . just so you can go out and do it again.
Five Star Hangover (*****)Death is welcomed. You have a second heartbeat in your head,
which is actually annoying the co-worker who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
The Red Bull has officially worn off. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. Yet you can't stop
sweating. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The
sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to plash the toilet water all
over your butt. Your diaphragm is sore from spending the night
heaving while you can't seem to get the kink
out of your neck either. . . guess that bathroom floor isn't as
comfortable as you thought it would be. You spent the night
swearing to God that you would never drink again if he'd make it all
stop. However, you know that happy hour starts at 5:01 PM.